Just Me

It is all me in this pretty big apartment, luxurious enough for a single soul. My friend and X-Roommate shifted to her new apartment. Not sure of the exact reason on why I am not frantically looking for a new roommate to share the apartment. Strongest reason being it will take a bunch of quality time for me to get adjusted to the new person and I am in no mood for a brand new start. Also I am hoping to bid BYE to the place soon.

As I have mentioned, it just me in the big den and a few corners of the house I use, the rest remain all dark and un-attacked. With lot of people around always I have never found time to do anything that have been planned. It was a bit odd in the beginning where I started to realize the difference – the biggest agony being that I have no one to speak to. Daily chores have become a time table to me. Have started my cooking efforts religiously as it is the question of existence. Fixing myself in a room and spending hours on the laptop is not very interesting too. A set of new things have crept in now, which keeps me engaged these days. Most of them may sound lunatic but since there is no one to comment or compliment I have no regrets.

A random cleaning drive which is caused by an unexpected sight of the messy room. It is never cleaned completely, but the process goes on till I get distracted by a phone call or a guest.

Count the number of outfits I have. The big count upsets about myself shifting to any place, as the thought of abandoning one of the them is killing. I will keep trying out all those dresses which I have not worn for a while. This makes me feel good about the choices I have made “once up on a time”.

Try out some different cuisine – sometimes it will be a Thai Redd Curry or a Italian delicacy. Browsing through the net for that recipe for which I have all the ingredients is a tedious task. At last I throw off the idea of following the food book. Try to fit the dish with my limited cooking knowledge.

Hunt all over my iPod to find that song, which can set my feet moving. Listening to the same song some X number of times and designing dance moves. I keep reminding myself the different dance forms I want to master given an opportunity.

Play loud music of all those songs which I love to listen to. I know there is no one in the whole house who I can annoy.

Call up all those friends, whose phone numbers I can find– I bet they will be wondering at my unexpected thrive towards regaining old contacts. I swear I miss all my friends and really want to keep in touch. Laziness at its zenith took over me which often make these things difficult.

Do all bits and pieces of the craft arena I have collected over years and never worked on. If it is a woolen muffler to be knitted today, it’s a scrap book tomorrow.

Watching those serials which I have watched long back all over again, which bring me memories of my school and college friends. Also trying to complete all the backlog of movies that I wanted to watch. The star cast and story is never a question – It serves to kill my time.

There are many more of them which gets added on a daily basis to the list. It was strange for me when it started off being all alone. But now I feel good about it as there is more time I invest for myself. Helps me understand how silly I can behave and how serious I can mould back to. Rather than phrasing it All Alone, I love to call it – “Just Me”

Hate to be Rude

Being rude to anyone or anything is insane coz it neither make you happy nor the receiving end. In turn it serves you with a disturbing mind. A self analysis gives me an impression that I cannot be angry or upset with someone for a longer time. Moreover I am a person who speak a lot, A LOT :-). Even if there are disputes within friends or family, I am the peace maker. Being victim of someone’s anger is very depressing. I have been in that state many a time and I know how it feels. My previous posts regarding the college lecturer is one of the case.

What made me write this post – has a specific reason. I wanted to write or rather confess about something that has happened some time back. The episode is a lot old, and hard to remember the exact details. I was doing my under graduation – Pre-Degree to be specific. I joined a Women’s college which was near my house. I was forced to join the college, as it was the same place where my Mom studied and she had lot of acquaintances. I hated the college at the first place, it looked to me like a nursery school where more than new faces, I could find people knew my whole history. Initial days were very hard, as I was not able to find much friends or rather I never invested time on it. Slowly started to jell with the atmosphere and was lucky enough to win a handful of friends who were too dear to me. We were a gang of 6 girls, and almost never allowed anyone to peek into the group.

That is when I met “Ms S” in college. Sorry for the fact that I am a bit reluctant to reveal her name. She was in the same class as I was. She tried to get close with me and my gang, which my friends never gave space for. Myself and “S” went for the same tuition classes, where we met very often. I felt it real bad for avoiding her all the whole in spite of her being really nice and caring to me. My poor heart, rather I would say –“dumb heart”, decided to take her as my friend. Later we came to know that she was a very distant relative of mine. I started helping her in studies, and stood by her whenever she had problems. My parents were not very pleased with my friendship with her and neither my friends were happy about it. I used to get scolding for getting her home and visiting her place. My friends used to constantly warn me on what a person she was and that she cannot be trusted. Irrespective of all the advices, I decided to support her.

I don’t know when things started changing and by the time I realized, it was way too late. There were lot of issues to which I was pushed into related to “S”. Many people told me about the ill words that she had spread about me. I kept defending her to the certain point till I got to witness incidents myself. It was hard for me to believe and accept the fact she could backbite on me. Some explained it as jealousy or being eccentric. It was not easy for me to forget the whole thing, as I could find no single reason for which I could have been mean to her. It took me a long time to get out of the impact as I was scared to believe anyone or anything. I had my friends standby me and support me through out.

Under Grad days were almost ending and I got into one of the most prestigious college for pursuing my engineering. I got into the branch I wanted and was very happy with the environment. “S” also joined the same college for another stream. We used to take rides in the same college bus, see each other every single day. Never have I uttered a word or pay her a distant look. She did make her best efforts to make up for the damage she had done. I never granted a opportunity that she could speak to me. There were mediators who tried to talk peace, which never went through. I can’t recollect myself being so rude and arrogant with anyone or anything. Moreover I had no regrets on what I have been doing. My college life went all great, good friends, descent marks, a handsome job when I walked out of the college. I knew that she had no good scores, no job and was going through a bad time. My marriage was fixed and I made it certain that she and her family was not invited for any of those. It was not any grudge and never have I cursed her. More than being stubborn, I had a numbness towards the whole thing. I did not want any of those memories to creep in and break my harmony. It will be a wonder if I am successful in posting this blog, as this is not the first attempt to write about the same.

It is some 10 years crossed now, there have been huge transformations in me – mostly positive and that helped me cross my kiddoo behavior. I still try to weigh it, this one still sticks to its old. Some things never change!!

I am Scared of hmm...

If you ask me this question ever – “Are you scared of anything?”, you will get a confused look. It is not because I have the confusion on ‘What to convey?’ but on ‘What ALL to convey?’.I am scared of almost all the things I see around. I try to put up that Ms Serious looks everywhere. But those incidents that reveal the ‘Real Me’ just pops up everything. Many make fun of the way I behave and there are some who try to scare me more. My better half thinks that most of them are my illusion and I never make any sincere effort to get out of it. I do not blame him for this :-( .

Just rolling back to few of the incidents. I have a huge – huge scare for heights. May it be a small hill or the corner of a tall building or even a big mountain that is XXXXXX ft height, it is all the same. One look down, my vision blacks out. The time my husband and I visited The Grand Canyon - one of the most famous and beautiful tourist spots in the world, rather putting efforts to pose for the best snap, I was worried about a random wind or some thrust that would pull me down the valley!! When we go for trekking, to hop from one rock to another – irrespective of the size of the rock, I start stretching hands for help.

Thunder Storms and Lightening, another piece that freaks me out totally. I love the rain, but can’t fight the thunder bolts. At my place when it storms and there is heavy rain with thunder – two people seize the best possible shelters, Myself – on the bed with two pillows covering my ears hard so that it leaves no chance for the least possible noise. The second candidate was Julie – our doggie. She was equally scared, and used to hide below a couch or bed. The chill of fear is still there when I hear the same symphony.

Insects, reptiles and all kind of “Not So Good looking” creatures. Sometime I feel that can handle the King of Jungle (Lion) in a better way than a cockroach or a spider. The most dangerous dream I can ever witness is a Snake. One of such dreams can upset me so hard that I lose sleep for rest of the night. Seeing programs in National Geographic or Discovery was a pain when these were described. Mostly options open are to run off from the TV or switch channels.

The most lunatic part of my Scare list was none other than Horror Movies. You have no idea how much interest I show to watch a ghost movie. I try to pep up the crowd to opt for horror movies. Whoever takes me for the movie, by the end of the movie used to make up their minds never to fall for my words again. For them the more scarier part was seeing me scream and panic than the movie clips. For major part of the movie, my head would be covered behind the pop corn basket or the seat cushion. After effects of the movie are – scared to sleep alone, seeing ghost like images for one’s own shadow, a restart of the fridge compressor giving the feel of an intruder inside the apartment.

The list goes on and on and on. Most of them are real stupid to even disclose. Being a scary piggy, I lose to do most of the exciting things. I am gonna put my sincere efforts to work on these phobias. If not a cure, atleast reduce its effect!...

Not Another Monday!

I am scared to turn back and think about yesterday. Right from the start of the day, everything was going disastrous. It was not something new for me, hunting for a formals to wear. Since it is the ‘Fun Day’ Monday, and I usually try to fit into my best attire. Suddenly felt like my whole wardrobe was empty and everything was out for wash!...With greater efforts I could manage to find out some outfit. Clock was ticking so fast that it was almost striking 9:45 AM. Hopes of a peaceful breakfast was then out of question. I had to find a person to go with to office. I started dialing number after number to reach someone. Unusual and to my bad luck, most of the calls were getting directed to voice messages!!!. Whoever I could speak were either working from home or already reached office. At last I could reach one of my colleagues who was about to start to office. It felt to me that, I was so lucky to get hold of someone who could get me to office. The series of events that happened after that can explain to its best why I was dragged to office.

After I reached the office, I could find that I have scooted one meeting which I was supposed to attend. It was not a deliberate act, but sheer poor memory. My whole outlook showed up a big screen of unread emails, most of which were flagged. There were notes to me with so called “Friendly Reminder”, which alarmed me that ‘One more time you fail to respond – It is an escalation’. Before I could settled down, I got requests to create some random documents in a span of some 30mts. Rather than the marathon effort, I had very less idea of what has to be documented. It was now time to get into a review meeting. I got bombarded with so many comments and questions on the technology part (different from what I am working on). More than getting confused and being ignorant on what has to be conveyed, I was getting annoyed as I was digging into things which took me nowhere. There were a bunch of people who had questions and question for me..and poor me left with no options to cook up explanations. I swear I don’t remember a work what I spoke then. When we were almost at the end of the discussion and there comes the next comet. My laptop is stuck and all that has been updated to the document is gone. The team would have freaked out hearing my stupid reason. I had no other way but to reschedule the meeting and grab my colleague’s laptop to work on. Almost by the time I was done with the updates, I see my laptop back up!.. The very sight of the machine urged me to break it into pieces. Then it came to my mind that I even missed my appointment with the eye specialist that day for the contact lenses. I left the idea of calling up the clinic as it was way too late to think about it.

By this time I could find everyone disperse for lunch. I too decided to grab some food as my stomach was all growling. Hunger was as it its peak and I really wanted to eat something good. Picked up some Mexican cuisine – which I customized adding all kinds of toppings and dressings. Eating the whole thing was un-imaginable and I almost threw the whole food. After the pathetic attempt lunching I forced myself back to work. Struggled the rest of the day to complete atleast a portion of my To-Do list, which did not happen. My MOC (MS Office communicator), being the most used application in my laptop at that time – showed me some 30 open conversations. Either it is a random person asking for a doubt, or a project team waiting for updates. Worst is when you find people who have not showed up for a long while, or cared to acknowledge start pinging you, checking for your well-being.

I could find that, my regular pass-times, Face book webpage was not even open, and I see my iPod lie at the corner of my desk unnoticed. When it was almost 6 in the eve, I decided to wrap and get home. The whole evening I spend working, trying to respond to all the emails. It felt like I am just back to work after a long vacation. Having lost all my serene approach to work, it really reminded all the stupid homework teachers used to give during school time. I had no one to blame on or anything specific to crib about. After all the slogging, I managed to sleep. Un-believable that even my sleep granted me another crappy Monday. Disturbed from sleep when I woke up, I could see the day light and it was already morning – I wished not a Monday again!!

ToP GuN

My mother used to find great pleasure in collecting and arranging the whole house with all different showpieces. May it be a flower pot or an antique piece, the efforts spend by her right from buying and maintaining it are exceptional. Others @ home - my father, sister, myself and our doggie these were defined taboo. One touch a look is enough to annoy my mother.

This is something that has happened long back when Rinku (my sister) and I were young. My mom bought a Chandelier and it was stuck at the roof of our living room. With the lighting, the chandelier looked fabulous. It gave the room an elegant look. Every person who stepped into our house took time to talk about it and appreciate Mom for getting it.

It was some time during our Summer vacation. Me and my sister had couple of friends who live near our house. We used to enjoy playing indoor games. This time it was Dumb Charades aka 'Dumc'. In this game, you will be given a movie name and will be asked to enact the same just with actions to your team members and make them recognize the movie name. You will not be allowed to speak while you mock the movie. The span you get for a movie is 1 minute. There was four of us that day @ my house (living room), two in each team. Me and my sister we were in the same team.

Played couple of rounds and the game going very tight on who will win. It was my sister's chance to act the movie to me. She got the movie 'Top Gun'. She was successful in making me say the word "Gun". We were still trying for the word "Top". She made all kind of jestures pointing and raising herself up. I was trying hard, with words - "above", "up", "high", "beyond" and all possible words but for "Top". We were running out of time and my sister got really irritated. She kept on pointing her hand up, but i was not able to guess what she was trying to explain. Annoyed to the core, she shouted "Top Gun" and stretched her hand hard pointing up. All that what we could hear for next few moments was the sound of broken glass pieces. We could see 2 of the leaves from the pretty fitting lie all broken down. Marking it as an end of the game, my friends left for their home. My heart was almost popping outta my mouth. It was similar to crime scene in movies, where the murderer panic with the corpse. Mom was not at home then, and we had to clean the mess by the time she was back. We threw the glass pieces and cleaned the room. The next was to cover up what has happened. The master minds started working on cooking up stories. Looking into the figuring, it was very difficult to find out that it has lost some shape. The chandelier had such a complicated design and you will really not get to know that it is disfigured. We had no choice but to take a chance. Our intuitions helped as no one did notice it anytime.

When ever my sister had something to fight on me, and ever there is a win-lose situation, my wicked mind used to pick up this incident. I used to gawk at the chandelier saying "Top Gun". It used to chill my sister as we knew what would happen any time it is disclosed. I used to blackmail her with the same for a long time and gradually we forgot. This time I get back home, I am sure to check the chandelier how it is :-). Hope my mother not to read this!! It can still ignite an explosion. Shhhhhhh!!!

Why Me ??

Sometime back while having tea-time chat with my friends, we were sharing our experiences in school/college with typical teachers/tutors. People who used be scare dreams for most of us. How they used to make our lives difficult then. I was thinking hard to find any such episodes in college. Being the class topper, I always had the lecturers to my favor. I remember all of them speaking good about me in every Parent's meet. In fact i used to be excited to take my father to college, just to make sure that he "hears" it from that I am one of the best students in college. Even though i used to be an active participant in most of the unlawful/forbidden tasks in college, the semester marks used to cover them for me!

This brings to my memory one person who was different from all others. I wonder how could i forget her. Episodes I had with her are printed scene by scene in my memory. It was Semester 4 for us. Being Mechanical Engg students, we never used to have regular classes. As good as we are not interested to sit in classes, even the lecturers were less interested in visiting the class rooms. We had Electrical Engg subject for the first hour. Since a month the semester classes have started, no one showed up and we used to rejoice the period as a leisure hour. That day, the same period everyone were dead busy scribbling on their record books..The next hour, we had some lab and as usual no one has completed the record notes. Being the single girl in my lab group I had the responsibility of completing the records and sharing it with my fellow lab mates. It never ends there, drawing graphs, machines and the list goes on. It is better to help the guys out, rather than hear stories that would make me feel "poor poor him". We heard someone step into the class. It was this madam - from Electrical Engineering Dept. At the very look of the class, she had a disturbing expression on her face. She spotted me seated in the middle row surrounded by some 10-12 guys. We all tried to settled down at the seats which were proximate. She introduced her self (i don't remember her name now) and opened the book to start with. While she was reading, as though something has distracted her - she asked us to rearrange our seating. She made the four girls sit in the front rows and the boys behind. We had the strange feeling as if it is some military school.I noticed in between that she was staring at me after every line she read through.

Every class of hers we used to get ourselves seated in the fashion she preferred. It used to be regular that she would pick me and ask questions. It can be anything and everything from electrical engineering. I used to try my best to think off and say the best answer I could and that would land up in another question. It used to be a Encyclopedia Ferrari session and every class she used to make sure that she will shout at me and make me feel insulted in front of my class. The humiliation i used to go through in her class was too much to take. My friends used to make all efforts to pep me up after her classes. I used to read through the topics which she has taught, and the ones she would teach the next day. All my efforts used to turn futile, when she start asking questions which make me thing, whether the topic is electrical or electronics!!

The torture was just not restricted to the classes, she used to come in my college bus. I will restrain myself from all the chit-chatting. I will be so much of a silent soul, that even a junior can rag me. The looks she used to throw at me were real paralyzing. When we get the exam papers, it used to remind me a battle field. All crosses and strikes with red ink through out my exam paper. Marks will be just to keep me delighted that i passed some how. I would have hated her more that i can explain anytime. My friends used to force me to talk to her and find out the reason for her hatred on me. I could never dream of attempting that as i knew it will aggravate the situation. The more i hated the teacher, the more i hated the subject as well. I was so damn determined that i will score the best of marks in the finals. I could score descent marks in the subject, which gave me freedom from all the tension i went through.

The semester was over, and so were her classes. I used to meet her at times in campus but payed no interest to greet her or talk to her. More than avoiding her I was scared of what she would tell me. It was almost the end of college. We went to meet all the teachers and tutors who had taught us in the college. When it came to the electrical section, I had double thoughts about talking to her. I was not sure of what i will be treated with. I did not want to leave the campus with the pain, as it had troubled me a lot once. I made up my mind for the worst, and decided not to retaliate even if she screams at me. That day I could not meet her in college as she was on leave. I thought it was a never gonna end good, coz of which i could not even make peace with her before leaving the campus.

After my final exams I went to the college to collect my certificates. I was about to leave the campus and here she is. I saw her again and this time I am stuck right in front of her. There is no chance of running away. I greeted her and told her that i came to collect my certificates. Also mentioned her about my job at Infosys. To my surprise she embraced me and wished me all luck. I almost had my mouth wide open. I was here expecting the wildest curse or one liner dialogue, but this was magic. She could figure out from my expression that I am still not believing it. We spoke for almost an hour and she enquired all about me. Before leaving I asked for her blessing and she told me, " I never hated you, in fact i like you, i don't know why i was so angry on you every time!! " Even I could not interpret much from what she spoke, but i was relieved a lot. The thought that someone hated me a lot, kept haunting me every time. I have no hatred for her now and no anger within me. I could figure out that she was finding it hard to explain. I just told her - " That's Okay Mam". We parted with a smile. Never got a chance to meet her again, but if we meet once I am sure both of us will never fail to recognize each other. But always i have the question in my mind .... In the class of some 40 why me??

Da new Mermaid

It was always a dream for me to do quality swimming. I used to feel envious when i see people swim around like fishes. I love to do all the water sports but never get to attempt them, as i knew no swimming. The more affinity and excitement i have for water, balances my fear for water.

This time i some how made up my mind to learn swimming. Joined for the classes with a friend of mine. Spend quality time in gazing shops to get a pretty swim wear. I was successful in finding a cute one which as as good as i wanted.

All set to go for the class. The class started off with a few people who joined us in the group. I could learn from them that its just not their first time in the pool and they have been attempting to learn floating and to get used to the water. The instructor started off with the "Rules and Practices" for basic swimming. There were so many that i could barely concentrate and achieve all of them together. All my high spirits to master the skill went down and down. Might be i hit the class with the mind set that...right after 6 weeks, i can attempt to cross the Atlantic!!! More over the whole attire with the head cap and the water proof glasses, were annoying me. I was finding it hard to float...the fear that i would drown and can never come up..kept on bothering me the whole time. More over seeing other do the same so easily, I was getting angry.

Some how i completed the first class and left the pool with a firm decision that, i am not gonna be there the next time. But it was not that easy to convince myself that i was quitting with such a silly excuse. The whole night i was haunted with the very thought. Then came to my mind the funnier experiences i had learning Turbo Kick and Arabian Dance. Though they started off at a tougher note, was able to do well in them. And i knew how much these keep me happy and more over being proud of learning something new!...

And that was it...the very next day i was all set for my next attempt. Now have started going to the pool whenever i get time to practice and get used to the water. It is just the starting stage and i am able to do the minimal requisites. I am glad to find myself out of the frustration of not getting it through the first time. Hope to possibly learn the art of swimming soon make myself happy to have achieved a long awaited wish!

A Rainy Monday!

It is a long time i spend time blogging.....most of the times its just becoz i am too lazy to make an attempt. There were times when i have written in seriously and all of them got washed off due to a stupid system reboot.The weekend went pretty dull for me. I could find time to watch a movie at theatre - "Shutter Island". A good movie, which made me think a lot, infact so much that i couldnt sleep sound the last day. I expected to get scared and yell my throat out in the movie hall, but it turned out to be a different experience.

It was a lot hard for me getting up in the morning. It is not a news as the morning sickness stays with me always, but the impact gets to its peak when the calender marks Monday. My alarm never rang, and my roomie had to wake me up. Running all around the house witha brush in my mouth, managing to iron my clothes, quick bath and my sweet own time in front of the mirror. When pattu came and i rushed out, i saw all roads are wet. It rained, and is raining!.. I remember telling him then, I hate rains, it spoils the charm of the day. The day looks so gloomy and you will feel so lazy to even move around.

On the way to office, gazing the roads and the way i took a minute to think what i thought or rather told. I hate rain? That is not true and was never true. I used to love when it rains. I remember all those now when myself and Rinku (my sis) have rushed out home to play in rain. We used to jump around in the mud water and splash water at each other. Getting wet and dancing like one has gone mad. Julie (our doggie) used to join us. She used to be worse, as out of excitement the flower pots in our garden used to break. I alwzz feel my mom loves them more than us!!!... After all the fun here comes the punishments. Mom used to ground both of us for all the mess, dirty clothes and julie for all the pots she has spoiled. It invites lot of scoldings, but the fun and excitement that it has served well, justifies the rest. I used to hate caps and umbrellas when it rains. When I cross the roads i used to run , just not to miss that slightest chance to get wet. There were neevr complains over a spoiled outfit or a dirty shoe.

I don't claim that i have changed over years. The work n schedule mask my desires may be. Or rather i find it immature to let out such wishes. I know that many of my jestures give the feel to people that i am a kid. Given a chance i would love to get back to that kid who was never worries about what she does. By the time i end writing this the rain is all gone. There is noise. I wish with all my heart again, that it rains more n more.