I am still not able to rate or range my reach towards emotions. It is not that I am a blunt, cold and a cranky one. With my best of interest, always make sure that I never land up hurting anyone. There are fall-outs here and there, but they sure are un-intentional.
Worked as a team lead of a fairly good team with my previous company. It was a tough press with a lot of challenging work, stress-cramped environment and conflicting personalities. Things were almost on the fire line every hour of the day and incident that fuels the anger, pricking my nerves tempting me to yell and let it out. Have stayed composed most of the times, while I keep counting from 1 to 10. Not sure who put this in my brains that it helps to tone down yourself counting numbers. Not supporting the theory but am positive that it aids to divert from the trigger.
There were times, when I have got stuck with the worst of problems. A word war or even fights with the dearest, the most wanted things slip and you stay helpless watching them, loss of people and even relations, those panic attacks. I stay stiff and stony, consoling myself that it happened and I will be able to handle them. I guess this grew in me with the age. I stay aloof and quiet for a while, until I assure myself past the phase. Hate it displaying my emotions and playing weak, and craving for the consoling. I respect providing space to a person during hard hours, rather join them mourning and make them feel more miserable.
Many a time, have had my mother mention that ‘You will understand when you have a kid and you are at my position’. I have seriously thought about it – growing old and having a kid and things laying up the same way. I am sure that the way I would act then, will be close to what I think now.
The maximum of emotions I spend is through the writing. It helps me flush off the unhandled and the disturbing facts. You write with a rage, and it helps you boil down the madness. The most important being the one source which does not speak back J.